Mixed Feelings

Ever have that feeling where you are lost in your mind? Where thoughts full of bullshit circle round your heads... Well.. I Do!

During this gruesome "holiday", i reflected on what i had felt for people through my interactions with them. After much thoughts, i came to a conclusion. I realized that the people we presume we had a crush on, aren't really a crush. They are simply someone we find interesting! Pretty easy right! Nah..

To be honest, people get the wrong impression all the time. I mean... we didn't ask directly but we always assume and that's why, there are always unnecessary complications! Come to think of it, why feel this way? Just ask right? Well.. not that simple either.

When we ask, we tend to be afraid, afraid of accidentally stepping over the line and be "friendzoned". I myself experience this a lot of times. Whenever i try to ask a girl out for dinner, she will go like "Sorry Bruh. Not free this week. Maybe some other time?" BAM! The word "Bruh" just disintegrates my entire soul again! :( Sometimes, we move on but sometimes, we stay there pondering about that word. It's not that hard actually.. it just means "You are my friend and that's as far as you can get"

Once we know that, we start to distance ourselves from that party, not because we are upset, but because we needed space. Space to recover. Space to rebuild that friendship once again. Then.. shit happens. At this point in time, we meet someone cute.(LET girl be called Z). Pretty lady Z asks you out and you say yes. That outing was just a regular outing to Z but to you, it means a lot. You hallucinate once again and thought to yourself.."SHE LIKES MEH".. Well.. no one knows.

As time goes on, you think of Z and forgo your previous crush whom you treasure so deeply.
Because you think you like Z, the cycle of thoughts starts running through your mind again. Whenever you see her smile, it feels as though your world reignites, giving you hope and serenity.

However, deep down inside, you know(or do you) its just a "one off" person you find lovely, a one off feeling that you MAY not get again if you were to move on and see another interesting party. Then again, you hope to distance yourself but this time, the more you distance, the more painful and irritating it gets. You wonder, "Why can't i just not give a damn?".

As you ponder, you think of possibilities. You wanna give a shot at asking her out but afraid that after another outing, you will be categorized by Z in the "bruhzone" and never be able to come out from that hell zone. The more you think, the more you lose faith in yourself and the more you lose faith in yourself, the more your chances are being unexplored.

I'm sitting right at my desk typing this reflection with a beer in my hand. After all this time, i can only tell myself that if i didn't try, i won't know and to know, i will have to give myself ample "alone time" and asks myself once in a while, is she the one i want to be with in the future. Going to try or have tried... only the future will know.